For creatures that started off as poo-flinging monkeys, I’m quite proud of what we’ve accomplished. We tamed Nature. We mastered fire, and we have roasted the marshmallow. We have invented the Rubik’s cube, and subsequently solved it. Then we built robots to solve it in under ten seconds. We’ve pissed into space, on the moon, and on each other for a pre-determined fee during a regrettable bachelor party in Holland. Hell, we created Holland. That place used to be under the fucking sea.
We’ve blown each other up, then sewn each other back together again. We’ve been to the bottom of the deepest ocean and the top of the very tallest mountain, and discussed the economic viability of using both to store our nuclear waste. We have started the Bronze age, the Renaissance, the Industrial Revolution and Happy Hour. We invented Rock festivals and contraceptive pills. We plotted the downfall of both Hitler and Amy Winehouse. We gave birth to Jim Henson, Jimmy Hendrix, James Bond and jam sandwiches, figuratively speaking.
We’ve built beehives to keep bees and clocks to keep time. We’ve built the Great Wall and looked at it. From orbit. While sitting on the toilet. At 17000mph. We have travelled the world by foot, llama, horse, camel, donkey, dolphin, sleigh, rail, bus, car, bike, plane, boat, rocket, and lawn chair with helium balloons attached by string. We have smashed the atom, and opened a bottle of wine with shoe. We have fought in peace and cooperated in wars. We have played Blackjack, we have played Tetris, and we have played God. We have proposed severe economic sanctions and egg sandwiches. The Lava lamp, you know who invented that?
Us, thats fucking who.
We combined Peanut Butter with Jelly, Mentos with Coke, Pen with Paper, MP3 players with cellphones, and Red Bull with Vodka. We have found possible evidence of life on other planets, and then found Nemo. We’ve made soup out of a packet, and the pyramids out of stone. We’ve seen the death of nearby stars. We’ve seen The Shawshank Redemption at least ten times. We have pirated a Mumford and Sons album, then bought it at full price anyway out of guilt.
And yet, we still haven’t fully come round to the idea of gay marriage.
Fuck it, I’m moving to Mars.
